Martial Arts humor from r/bjj. My favorite was Ninjutsu LOL
Tae Kwon Do: due to increasing circumference around your middle, you lose the ability to touch your toes and often to even see them. You cannot say no to weapons with metallic or glitter paint. You believe hairstyles and fashions reached their pinnacle in 1983
BJJ: You've developed the lightning fast ability to flop down on the ground upside down anytime someone threatens you or even raises their voices. You own more funny rashguards than ties. You know 30 ways to pass a Spider Guard but have no idea how to defend a punch.
Kung Fu: you lack any ability to cut your hair after you start to go bald - You are the king of the balding ponytail. You also have no ability to use your thumbs for anything, preferring to act like you have stiff mannequin hands. You've also never found the secret technique to defeat your virginity
Wrestling: your head is permanently tilted back 15 degrees to try to make your traps look bigger. A childhood of constant weight cutting made sure you never got taller than 5'4. You think the Bowl (Moe) haircut is the best thing ever
Army Combatives: you passed level 1 so you think you're basically a UFC Fighter
Marine Combatives: you got your tan belt so you think you're basically Rambo
Kali/Escrima: you're ready to pull your weapon and go to prison for 30 years if someone even looks at you wrong. You bring up how many knives you have on you at all times in even the most casual conversation.
Gracie Combatives: You've trained. for 14 months and can't resist criticizing "Sport" Black Belts with 20 years of experience. You've also been running your own school for 9 of those 14 months. Your gis are spotless.
Krav Maga: you think you're the only people in the world who figured out that hitting someone in the eyes or balls would hurt them. You've basically turned spazzing out as hard as you can into a "martial art"
Karate: see Tae Kwon Do but with more grimacing, angry faces, and broken boards.
Systema: Russia gave the world Tolstoy, Dostoyevsky, Kandinsky, Stravinsky, and more. That almost makes up for them inflicting Systema on us.
Judo: You're 27 but have the body of a 117 year old bull rider. You make sure to tell every other grappler the correct Japanese name for the move they're doing and how it actually came from Judo anyways.
Ninjitsu: you're name is Dylan and you're from the suburbs. You're Dad's a dentist. You're not a ninja.
Boxing: kicking isn't fair, grappling isn't fair, clinch fighting isn't fair. Take those out and Boxing is the most realistic, manly fighting style there is. Also, all shorts should be made to slide all the way up to your nipples
Muay Thai: yes, we know, you broke a baseball bat with a kick once. It takes longer to pronounce the names of the fighters in a Muay Thai match than it does for them to fight.
Sambo: Like the readout in the Terminators eyes, all you ever see are the words "dive on foot". You shave your legs but your gis have epaulets so that's pretty awesome.
Aikido: you're basically powerless if no one grabs your wrist or comes running at you with an overhead chop (the way most fighters do). I Don't know if it's worse getting thrown by an Aikido practitioner or smelling like patchouli wherever they touched you afterwards.
Hapkido: a thousand different organizations and each one will tell you why all the other ones suck. They are extremely dangerous if you attack them exactly the way they ask you too. And, you don't resist.
Catch Wrestling: the Krav Maga of grappling.
Savate: a truly terrifying martial art. Because anyone who lost a fight to a French guy would have to kill themselves in shame. Cheap to learn because you only need to borrow your sisters ballet slippers and you have your outfit
Sumo: gotta love any martial art where the weight classes start at Obese and go up from there. From Japan - the nation that loves fat guys in diapers slapping each other and tentacle porn.
Kenpo: or is it "Kempo?" Which is it? Actually, never mind. No one cares.
Capoeira: weird to name a martial art after the worlds largest rodent from South America. After a capoeira fight, you're not sure who won or lost but you are pretty sure one of you is pregnant
MMA: you can't "afford to pay for training" but have roughly $30,000 worth of tattoos. You get confused how to make a complete sentence without "bro" or "brah". You're 3-7 amateur but tell everyone you'll be in the UFC in the next 6 months. You have at least one serious injury at all times
UFC Style: You don't actually train. Your closet contains only wife beaters. You have the same amount of tattoos as the MMA guy but only spent $22.13 on them. You've never trained any real martial art or fought but have your own fighters page on Facebook."
Which one was your favorite?
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